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Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage but sometimes they become unhitched.  Marriage without love is like a carriage without a horse…one without the other is not going anywhere.  Perhaps your marriage is suffering a severe lack of love and you’re thinking about mounting the nearest available horse and getting the heck out of marriageville.

Wait!  Maybe you and your spouse should seek counseling…or better yet be your own counselor.  It can be done but it takes a concentrated plan of action from both the husband and wife. 

Most couples, in time of trouble, resort to their basic instincts of hate, disrespect, demands and anger.  There goes the respect and love that will eventually be replaced by hate which could result in divorce. 

You must take action to avoid divorce which is a life changing occurrence, usually not for the better.  Create a plan to restore your love and respect.  You’ve been playing your marriage by ear day by day and trusting your instincts.  This may work for awhile, even a few years, but as marriage breeds apathy you must seek and plan for a rekindling of that old flame

Remember how emotional you were when you first fell in love?  When you’re in love your emotions enable you to contribute to each other’s emotional needs.  These range from being honest, admiring, communicating and being affectionate.  You did and felt these qualities quite naturally early in your relationship.  But, as love faded so did your emotions.

Love, no doubt, is the most important quality in a relationship but it takes more sometimes to make a marriage survive.  It requires your willingness and ability to care and protect each other.  Half hearted love and dedication will make it difficult to swim upstream when the waters get rough.

Know that love is both give and take, but if you’re keeping score of how much you give and your spouse takes your marriage might be doomed from the start.  There will be both giving and receiving of bads and goods.  Sometimes you’re the giver and sometimes the taker.  Know how to do both with love and affection.

It may call for a change in your behavioral patterns.  If you’re prone to angry outbursts and criticizing replace these with calmness and compliments.  Making your spouse feel good is something you should enjoy doing.  Husbands and wives need a certain amount of undivided attention.  Don’t let volunteer work, family, work or children get in the way.

As your own counselor you must learn to negotiate and come to a joint agreement that is pleasant and thoughtful.  Look at the problems from all sides and that could include more than yours and your spouse.  Brainstorm and offer creative solutions.  If you get angry, stop negotiating and come back later.

Nobody said marriage is easy and neither is being your own marriage counselor.  At least you’re making an effort to become a better spouse in hopes of salvaging your marriage.

Believe in yourself and you will believe in others.

Most Christian marriages begin in a church.  You gather together in a house of God with your minister, your friends and family and the one with whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life.  Husband and wife each vow to love, honor and obey ‘till death do you part.  You promise to comfort each other in sickness and in health and to remain together whether rich or poor.

These promises were not only made to your betrothed but also to God.  God keeps His promises so if your marriage is in trouble where does the fault lie?  It could be that you and your spouse have not entered the church since the marriage. 

Regular church attendance may not be the answer to your problems but it’s a good place to begin.  A church can help you feel closer to God and there are people there who share the same beliefs as you and can provide support.  Of course, most ministers are always available and willing to offer advice.  Ministers have been trained to provide marriage help in times of crisis. 

Christian counseling may be what you need if you find God hard to reach by yourself.
It can help you determine what God wants from your marriage.  It will allow you to understand your spouse and God better while bringing you closer to the solution.

The Bible teaches that since the beginning, marriage has been a part of God’s plan for humanity.  He can help you refocus on your priorities and rediscover your love for each other even if you no longer feel love and know the situation is hopeless. 

When you ask God for help, expect a miracle.  Seek God’s help in rebuilding love, trust and to heal your hurt.  You’ll learn how to attack the problem and not the person you love.  With God’s help you’ll be better able to communicate and express your feelings hidden deep within your heart.

There are many books you can read about Christian marriage and how to seek God’s help.  You might start with the Bible that teaches faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.  It also encourages you to be forgiving and tenderhearted.  Faults you see in your spouse may be a mirror of your own.  Be forgiving of your partner’s faults, overlook them and be compassionate.

The Bible says be pleasant and helpful.  Look for ways to do good deeds and to make your spouse happy.  Offer encouragement in all endeavors.  Be complimentary.  No one likes to be criticized and most of the time it’s undeserved.  As Christ has forgiven you, so must you be forgiving.  If a marriage is to survive you must be forgiving and compassionate.

It’s easy to get distracted and become involved in worldly so-called worldly pleasures.  So many of these problems are directly opposed to God’s teaching such as lying, adultery and pornography.  These are pretty serious problems and may not be a part of your life but small sins grow as we drift away from God and his teachings.

God teaches us to reexamine ourselves and ask for help.  Bury your pride and come to God with a willing spirit and you’ll find a renewed closeness to God and the person you love.
 

Lack of communication is listed as one of the main causes for an unhappy marriage and even divorce.  That’s really not surprising.  When you were a baby and weren’t able to communicate, what did you do?  You cried and threw a tantrum until somebody figured out what your needs were.  Now that you’re grown up that won’t work although it’s tried in some form by many spouses.

Good communication takes practice.  Remember, you’re communicating even though you may not be talking.  Your body language and actions can speak volumes about what you like and dislike.  Facial expressions say a lot too.  Do you still smile at your spouse?
Some spouses are afraid to smile or be too nice for fear of being asked to do something they don’t want to do.

If that’s your attitude, maybe it’s time to talk.  If you’re not happy with your relationship be honest about it and seek a solution.  Solutions usually begin at the bargaining table where both parties are willing to negotiate and come up with a solution both can live with.

Find a good and convenient time to communicate.  If either of you has a pressing project that needs to be completed or an upcoming appointment, then agree to a more convenient time.  At least you’ve made the effort and the cards are on the table.  Don’t trap your spouse in a situation where they must listen such as driving to visit the in laws.  You may not be in a good mood when you arrive if this happens.

Be tactful in suggesting a talk is necessary.  Don’t be demanding but suggest you’d like to visit a while about such and such as soon as they have time.  This gives both of you time to organize your thoughts.  It’s not good to come to the table unprepared.  Know what you’re unhappy with and how you’d suggest the problem be solved.

Once you’re talking, be a good listener.  Listening is as important as talking.  If your spouse is not as good at communicating as you then compensate.  Repeat what they’ve said by commenting something like “Here’s what I think you’re trying to say.”  Don’t talk down to your spouse and make them feel inadequate.  Both opinions are equally important.

Don’t have distractions when talking like the radio or TV and certainly not when the kids are present.  Bringing up a problem during dinner is not appropriate.  That would qualify as trapping your partner and problem ruin both your appetites. Your attention must be undivided and you must make eye contact.  Allow enough time for a complete discussion.

Strive for a solution but if one is not reached, reschedule a time to continue.  Don’t give up.  Remember there’s another world besides yours and you must exist in both.  Compromise is always a good choice.  If you’re wrong, take responsibility and change. If no solution is apparent, professional help may be needed.  Communication will not solve all your problems but it’s a good beginning.
 

The dictionary defines union as an act of uniting or joining two or more things into one.
The union of marriage is a good example of the joining together of two people as one.  Anytime two things are joined together, it takes a concerted effort and determination.  When two unlike materials are drawn together in an effort to merge them into one there is a certain natural resistance.

Marriage, however, is a natural union and even though there may be resistance and friction in the beginning, when the union is made the people who are united become stronger as one.  Love and commitment is the glue that bonds it together and over the years this bond becomes stronger as love endures all things.

Most marriages are stronger in the beginning and grow weaker as love becomes routine and is oft times taken for granted.  As strong as your love and dedication to your spouse may be in the beginning, it’s more vulnerable than you realize if you fail to plan.

Yes, it takes more than love to maintain the durability of your marriage union.  Together you must map out a strategy on how to maintain your love in spite of day to day pressures and temptations.  It takes hard work and commitment but the sanctity of marriage is worth every sacrifice as you build a life and family together.

Early in the marriage, with the shock of leaving the family who has raised you and guided you in your early years, you could experience a feeling of loneliness and even jealousy.  If your spouse is too busy with business or household demands to give you the attention you think you deserve and need it’s easy to seek comfort with another.

This could lead to cheating and even divorce if you give into the temptations of satisfying your lonely heart.  Those who have developed a balance of closeness and independence in their marriage make the conversion much easier than those who are less secure.  Make the extra effort to form a bond that will last forever by maintaining the spark that drew you together in the first place.

Know that this is not unusual.  Most couples suffer from many seemingly unresolvable differences and as this conflict grows it can divide your union.  Fight the tendency to withdraw and hope things will get better.  Without a good approach, it rarely does.  Closeness is harder to restore if you put your marriage on hold while you proceed with the demands of every day living.

One spouse may view the situation as feeling overloaded with business pressures and being hit with too many demands while the other feels neglected and even bored. Start early to avoid these issues and build a positive attitude in your relationship. 

If there is something you dislike about the other, talk it over and resolve the matter or it will only grow and persist to the point of annoyance and resentment. Be interested in each other after the marriage as you were before. 

No matter how busy you are, make time for the person you love. Start with love and commitment, mix in a little strategy with a workable plan and your will forge a union that is unbreakable.

Being in a bad marriage rates right up there with open heart surgery and root canal.  Good marriages are hard enough to maintain because in all marriages there are ups and downs, good days and bad nights. 

Yet, many married couples elect to endure the bad situation for various reasons.  Some are not even aware of the seriousness of the problem.  If you’re experiencing a bad marriage, you should be the first one to know, right?  Not necessarily. 

Spouses who’ve come from homes of bad marriages often think this is the norm.  They watched their parents tolerate a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.  This usually doesn’t do the child any favors. 

They grow up with a misconception of how a happy family should function.  Then, when they encounter a similar rocky marriage they do nothing but roll with the punches, sometimes literally.

Signs of a bad marriage include no communication, no intimacy and no affection.  There could also be physical and verbal abuse.  If the husband or wife invents excuses to stay away from home, something is wrong.  Without talking to each other there can be no hope for rectifying the situation.  You must seek solutions together, accept what’s wrong and discuss change.

Don’t allow yourself to fall into a state of denial.  You may consider marriage sacred and fear seeking help for fear of failure.  Others remain in a bad marriage for the sake of the children or they’re afraid of hurting friends or members of the extended family.  Don’t become a martyr to protect the feelings of others.  Admit your situation and seek help.

People hold on to the hope they can salvage the marriage themselves and wait more than six years to finally give in a seek therapy or counseling.  More than half the couples who seek a third party’s advice manage to save the marriage. 

The sad news is that only one percent of couples seek therapy or counseling. You may know what the problems are but are afraid to admit them to yourself.  A counselor can bring out the truth and offer remedies.

We often times are caught up in the Hollywood fantasy that in the end all things will work out and love will conquer all.  It’s good to keep a positive attitude but there are times when you need someone to point out the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage.  They can help you distinguish between infatuation and true love.

Living in a bad marriage can be dangerous to your health.  Studies have shown that a bad marriage can lead to poor health and stress, not only for you but the entire family.  The constant stress and unhappiness increase the risk of depression, eating disorders and coronary health.  It also lowers the body’s resistance to sickness and disease.

Don’t be embarrassed by your situation and remain quiet and submissive.  A bad marriage can be repaired with love, respect and a commitment to resolve the problems.

You must be honest with yourself and decide if your marriage is worth saving.  Most marriages are, but the decision is yours.

There are few marriages that do not need help in maintaining their relationship.  A marriage without a good relationship is probably a marriage that’s not going to last.  If it does last, those involved are usually not very happy and content.

What’s the difference between a marriage and a relationship, you might ask.  A marriage is a bond formed by two people in holy matrimony; and in the eyes of man and the law they are united and only death or divorce can separate them. 

A relationship is a meaningful feeling that’s formed after marriage and will continue to grow and deepen as long as the marriage is maintained.  Relationships should actually begin long before the wedding vows are given.

It’s easy to tell if your marriage needs relationship help although others may notice it long before you.  Tell tell signs include going to functions but going alone and offering excuses for the spouse not attending. 

If you are together, you’re constantly criticizing each other and complaining about numerous petty annoyances.  Or, it can go to the other extreme and you sit with each other but never talk.  No matter what the other does or talks about, it’s boring and uninteresting.

Other signs of a declining relationship might be a dramatic lack of interest in the intimacy department.  You’re both young and attractive, yet the spark isn’t there anymore while you fantasize about others. 

Affection from your relationship is not existent.  There are no hugs, no kisses and no one says I love you.  Human beings need to be touched to feel worthy, happy and satisfied.  If the touching is gone then there is a serious problem with your marriage.

Jealousy can be a turn off for your partner if carried to extremes.  For the person who’s jealous he or she may withdraw from being intimate because they may view their partner as being unfaithful.  For the person who’s being accused of wrong doing, they could also hold back feelings being tired of the constant badgering of jealous questions. 

Be sure you’re not exaggerating the situation while establishing ground rules for both of you to abide by.  If jealousy is a continuing problem and is growing, you should seek help.  If intimacy is to return in your relationship, jealousy has to be curtailed.

Relationship problems can arise from debt.  Lack of enough money in a marriage is always cause for concern but two people working together on a budget to live within their means can overcome a small income. 

It’s when one or both spend too much money and the marriage begins to drown in debt that the relationship also begins to sink.  Debt can literally drain the life blood from a once loving relationship.

All marriages suffer day to day problems in their relationship.  Conflicts and disagreements are common and should be expected.  Just take a relationship inventory from time to time to determine if you and your spouse are where you want to be. If adjustments are necessary make them and move forward.

A relationship has never failed until one of you gives up.  One partner in the relationship can keep trying and sometimes win but without both of you willing to rethink the situation, reconciliation is difficult. 

There are many good reasons why you would not want to salvage a broken relationship.  If one of the partners has been verbally or physically abusive, a crime has been committed or infidelity is involved, it’s probably best to accept the way the cards were dealt and fold your hand.  That’s not to say that even in these situations a way back can’t be found.

If both of you, after all that’s happened, still love each other and agree to once again strive for marital harmony, then reunion is possible.  Love brought you together in the beginning and it can again but know that it won’t be easy.  Even love is not enough.  It also takes a will to succeed and persevere.  It won’t happen overnight so you must have patience and willingness to compromise.

Before convincing your spouse to follow your lead, make sure you know where you’re going.  Clear up your own problems and admit to any faults you might have that led to marriage failure.  If the blame falls on you, admit it and do something about it.  Until you’ve healed your own soul don’t look for sins in another’s.

Look at the problems that brought you to this point from your partner’s point of view.  Hopefully, you both can sit down and discuss your feelings and hurts.  Once you understand how the other feels and view the situation through their eyes, it’s easier to mend the hurt and move forward.

If you’re still together and trying to salvage a failed marriage, let your spouse know you love and appreciate them by emphasizing the positive side of your relationship.  Offer compliments when earned and you’ll probably get them in return. 

If you slip again, apologize and say you’re sorry.  It’s the one who admits wrong who wins the fight.  Know that wrong doing can only be forgiven so many times and be prepared for the consequences.

Find time to be together, especially if lack of quality bonding time is the cause of the problem.  Spend time together enjoying a common interest or pastime.  It could be a hobby, a game or a household project that was put on hold because of conflict. 

Bonding is a great way to forget about problems you may be facing and place you in a better frame of mind to handle them.  Being together is one of the best ways to show each other that they’re special and you care.

If you’re marriage is not salvageable, resign yourself to know that it’s better to let go than to live a life of misery.  Give yourself a brief time to get angry, remember the good times while having a pity party and then move on.  Enlist the support of family and friends and be content with the knowledge that someone out there loves you and is waiting.